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As
I gave my life completely over to the Lord back in 1983, He took me down
memory lane as a part of my deliverance. There I was, a five year old little boy,
very curious about the male anatomy. This was the first remembrance of what
were the beginnings of homosexual thoughts. You will find that many believe
just because there maybe a curiousness about anatomy
that this is an inclination of orientation, but this is just not true. I did
not try exploring homosexuality until many years later when I chose with my
heart to give over to the temptations. At about age six, I remember being
molested by a male friend of the family who was baby
sitting me. This opened the doors to sexual perversion in my life. I also
recall that I was exposed to some pornography at the same time. The
pornography was heterosexual yet very devastating to my understanding of REAL
love and God's design for sexuality. God's kind of love is found in 1 Cor. 13
and 1 John. |
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At
age seven I was exposed to more pornography. My brother's friends had come
over to our house to look at Playboy magazines. One of my brother's friends was
reading an article about testing yourself to see if you might have homosexual
tendencies. The article asked if you were attracted to men or women in very
explicit ways. My mind was reeling from the pictures and the feelings that I was having to deal with. He showed the
"pictures" to me and asked me, "Who would you kiss, the man or
the woman?" Little did they know that I had found and looked through
their magazines beforehand. So I became very
frightened. This fear caused me to believe that I was going to really get in
trouble. I remember wanting to answer what I thought he wanted to hear. I
thought "well, we are all boys" (and seven year old boys are not
supposed to be interested in girls) so I told him, "The man." Well,
my brother's friends went on and on about how I was a "queer." They
ridiculed my brother and me. |
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I
remember seeing my brother's face and how ashamed he was of me. I was greatly
disillusioned and confused. I remember feeling so dirty, having the voices
telling me over and over, "You homosexual, you queer." The voices
of ridicule condemned me in my mind for several days. I thought of the human
anatomy over and over in a state of confusion. |
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A
few years later, when I was about nine years old, our next door neighbors had
some out-of-state friends visiting. I was playing at their house. I went into
the garage followed by the adult male visitor. He grabbed me from behind and
began to molest me. He would not let me go. He told me to be quiet. I was so
scared. After struggling with him for a few minutes, which seemed like an
hour, I finally got away. I was terrified at what had happened. I ran out of
the garage and sat down like nothing had happened. |
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He
then came out of the garage and flipped me back in the chair I was sitting in
and knocked the breath out of me. He then looked down at me on the ground and
said, "This is just a sample of what you'll get if you say anything to
anyone." I was terrified! I went home and never told anyone. I thought
it was my fault, because in the heat of the summer, I was wearing cut off
shorts with no shirt. Looking back, I can now see that the demons of hell
were condemning me. I wonder how many other children do not realize that they
are being victimized? At this same time in my life,
I received a book about witches from the parochial school I attended. This
book contained chants and stories. I remember late one night, how I began
chanting out of the book. This chant was for power and acceptance. As I
chanted I began to feel a strong presence in the room. I became afraid and
put the book away permanently. I was also exposed to fortune telling games
for children. Since then the Lord has shown me how the devil had set up
demonic control and perverted my thinking. I had given Satan ground in my
life. All the voices I had been hearing were demons. These voices may seem
like our own thoughts. The voices seem to be you talking to yourself.
Remember though, not all thoughts that enter your mind are your own, some according to the Scriptures may be demonic
"fiery missiles." (Eph. 6:10-18, 2 Cor. 10:3-5). |
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About
a year later, my family went on a trip to |
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The
reason the Lord has reminded me of the things I went through was to
demonstrate that, though many people claim they are born gay, it is childhood
influences and not genetics that incline one to homosexuality. Many say that
they have had desires for the same sex as long as they can remember. I was a
very little boy when all this started in my life. I was opened up to sexual
perversion and demonic influences at a very young age . Yet, I had never
really thought about all these episodes until the Lord reminded me of them
after coming out of homosexuality. I was one of those thousands of gays who
believed the lie, that I was "born gay." Homosexuality is a learned
sin behavior. In most cases the behavior is inflicted by outsiders at first
and then chosen. It is very subtle how these things can creep into a child's
life. It is sad that my parents never knew about what had happened to me. My
parents love me, like all parents love their children and were broken hearted
to find out. Yet, because they lacked God's knowledge and did not understand
His ways, I was not protected; I had no spiritual hedge of protection. (Job
1:10, |
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When
I was twelve, my family moved to another house and I started going to a
public school. I was brought up Catholic and had attended a Catholic private
school up until this time. In the seventh grade I was introduced to drugs. I
started smoking marijuana and listened to hard rock music and had the kind of
friends who were always pushing for more and more sin. This was a very sad
time in my life. I totally rejected the very little I knew of God. This
opened the door for a constant influence of demonic activity in my life; I
started becoming sexually active with a girl I met in school. I surrounded
myself with peers who encouraged me to continue in sin. "Do not be
deceived, evil companionships corrupt good habits." 1 Cor. 15:33. After
living this way a year and a half, I went into a deep depression because I
kept having homosexual thoughts, desires and dreams. I had given myself over
to the desires of my flesh. I was so depressed and I would not talk to any of
my friends. I remained this way for about a month. My family and friends
became very concerned. They constantly asked me to talk, but I wouldn't; I
was afraid of what everyone would think. I had really started completely
believing that I was homosexual. One night in my depression, I started
praying to God to change me. I believed I had been born gay; I was believing
a lie. I was trying to have a "heterosexual relationship" but could
not stop having homosexual thoughts, so I blamed God for making me gay. In
great anger I told God to change me, but I thought to no avail. "For the
wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and
unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because
that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident
to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His
eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood
through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though
they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks; but they became
futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
Professing to be wise, they became fools," Romans 1:18-22. See the
picture in this passage of Scripture. This is a direct comparison to the
homosexual life-style. I had suppressed the truth of God for a lie. It was my
fault, for even nature proclaimed to me that God was real and that my desires
were unnatural. I did not honor God nor did I give Him thanks, so my heart
became darkened. Truly, I became a fool. "And with all deceit of
unrighteousness in those who perish, because they did not receive the love of
the truth, so that they might be saved (set free). And for this cause God
shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie, so that all
those who do not believe the truth, but delight in unrighteousness, might be
condemned.." 2 Thess. 2:10-12. These passages of Scripture are
definitely a picture of where I was in homosexuality. |
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In
junior high school I had another experience that caused me to believe the
lie. There was a boy in one of my classes who ridiculed me EVERY day by
calling me "faggot." I was becoming more and more depressed. He was
picking up on my brokenness, and my inability to relate to men. Subsequently
I was effeminate in my actions. Remember, "Sticks and stones may break
my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, words do hurt, and can,
very deeply. (Prov. 25:18, Psa. 52:2, Psa. 55:21). I was so wounded and
embarrassed by this other student. Satan's devices are to minister rejection
at all costs. His schemes are the rejection of self and to pervert God's
creation. |
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Finally,
I decided to kill myself. The depression was too much. I believe I would have
succeeded if it had not been for a "friend" who came over that very
night. I was headed out the front door when he drove up, and he asked me,
"Where are you going?" I told him, "To kill myself." He
said, "Oh come inside. I need to talk to you. I know what's wrong with
you." I didn't believe him, but I wanted to know what he thought, so we
went back inside. We went to my room where he began telling me that he
thought my problem was not anything to worry about. He told me he was
bisexual, and it was perfectly normal. I was shocked! A false peace came over
me. One of my closest friends understood what I was going through. It was
then I broke off my relationship with my girl friend and pursued a
relationship with him. This opened up the door for my involvement in the
homosexual life-style. I did not know that there were other homosexuals, and
that a whole section of society was given over to homosexuality. One thing
lead to another and as I went through high school, I met other friends and
started going out to gay bars and meeting other people; I thought all I
wanted was to be "married" homosexually. |
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A
few years later, at my little sister's wedding, I talked with the priest who
performed her ceremony. He said, "Stephen, I know why you haven't been
coming to church." I said "Why?" He glared at me and said,
"It's all the more reason why you should." About this time my
friends walked up and we left. I thought, "he had to be gay." I was
really shocked, yet this experience reinforced my false sense of peace. It
gave me a great hope that the earlier conviction and guilt I had felt was not
valid. I pursued gay-type marriage relationships with several men with
various backgrounds. I had one relationship that lasted two years with a very
wealthy man, named Mike. During this time, I was very religious and started
going back to the Catholic Church. I was going to college and was very open
with my life-style. I lived in a very beautiful home, drove a new convertible
and had lots of money. I traveled and saw a lot of places. I was so very
worldly. I lusted after riches, and I thought that I was really something.
(Rom. 12:3, 1 Cor. 8:2) A high school friend had heard the reason why I had
broken up with my girl friend. So she mailed me a tract called the "Gay
Blade" produced by Jack Chick. It was very convicting. I showed it to
Mike, and he told me to throw it in the trash because as he said, "It's
garbage." He thought he knew better, because he was an elder in a very
prominent Episcopal church. I threw it away, but not without thinking about
it for several days. I now understand how my Heavenly Father was reaching out
to me. |
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Several
months later my little brother died. We were only 18 months apart in age.
This was a major turning point in my life. For the first time in years, I
began praying earnestly. My mind became opened to the fact that I would spend
eternity somewhere. I cried out to God, mostly complaining to Him, for I felt
HE had taken my little brother. I was trying to deal with my own appalling
guilt. At my little brother's funeral, I noticed that the same priest from my
little sister's wedding was talking with Mike. I thought it was very strange,
but it confirmed what I had thought earlier. Mike knew him very well, and he
knew many other gay priests and ministers. When I talked with this priest, he
told me that being homosexual was okay with God. It was great because God
created us this way, and he loved us just the way we are. This really
ministered a false hope to me. So, now more than ever, I believed that my
life-style was predestined. Yet, I became depressed again for several months.
I was filled with guilt over my relationship with my little brother. I was so
convicted that I was worthy of death, and that I should have been the one to
have died. During this time of depression, the relationship with Mike ended
in a horrible fight. I then joined a health club and met a guy I thought was
straight. He was a body builder and he helped me train. But I was wrong. He
had been exposed to homosexuality one other time earlier in his life. He was
plagued with thoughts. One thing led to another, and I entered into another
relationship. This man was married, knowing this was tearing me up inside,
and consequently I developed an ulcer. He wanted to leave his wife and move
to another state with me. He was a very good lawyer and could easily do this.
Being religious, I knew this had to be wrong. I decided that I had to end the
relationship, I could not stand the guilt anymore. I was really torn up over
all this, so I decided to try and force my self to be heterosexual. I went
into a relationship with a girl who just happened to be "trying to
help" me out of the life-style. This relationship with all its sexual
sin carried just as much guilt, and it didn't work. I still wanted to have a
relationship with a man. I did not realize that the need I had could only be
fulfilled in a loving father type relationship, which I had never really
known growing up. I can say now that my heavenly Father is meeting all my
needs. During these last few years the Lord has restored to me a wonderful
relationship with my earthly father, whom I love dearly. We must, even
through rejection turn our hearts to our fathers, otherwise it will not go
well with us. (Mal. 4:6, Ex. 20:12, Eph. 6:1-3). |
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I
met another guy named Steven who I thought was the "perfect person"
for me. Our relationship lasted for three months. Then the day came when I
gave my life over to Jesus. This relationship was a real test for me after my
conversion. Satan was playing his last and best ploy. Steven would call and
cry over the phone, begging me to reconsider, that real love wouldn't do
this. But because of my new found love, immaturity and zeal for Jesus, I
would rebuke and quote the Scriptures. Subsequently Steven turned on me and
began to hate me. (1 Cor. 15:33, Proverbs 14:16, 17:10, 18:6-7, 23:9, 26:4).
I have written these dealings with homosexual relationships to give HOPE to
others who might be reading this testimony. I want others to know of the
mighty deliverance of Jesus Christ. Many in homosexuality have accused me of
not ever being gay, but that is as far from the truth as could be, I was, but
I am NOT. My old self died in Jesus Christ and I have a new life now, because
of His love at Calvary. |
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During
this transition from death to life, an old high school friend named Mary
called me up and said that we needed to go out because it was her birthday.
The next day Mary wanted to go see her sister. She warned me that her sister
and her sister's husband were "real religious," but I didn't care.
So we went to their house. I was sitting in their living room listening to
them tell Mary of God's ways. These people, (another) Steve, Mary's
brother-in-law, and Linda, her sister, talked to Mary about Jesus in a way
that I had never known. They talked about Jesus doing this and that for them.
They talked about how Jesus would come and go from their home. I thought
these people are crazy. I didn't know of a Jesus like this, the Jesus I knew
was dead on a cross, and found in a wafer on Sundays. But, all of a sudden,
the Holy Spirit spoke to me. The Lord said to me, "If you do not accept
me tonight, you will die." My heart began to pound and pound. I knew
that I had to know Jesus like these people. The girls left the room, and I
was sitting there with, Steve. I said to Steve, "I need to know Jesus
like you do." He jumped up out of his chair and said, "Well,
brother I think Jesus is calling you." I knew Jesus was calling me and
that it was very serious. I prayed that night to receive Jesus Christ as
Savior and LORD! I remember, as I prayed, seeing Jesus dying on the cross for
me. I saw Him on the cross in a new way and I believed. Steve led me in a
prayer surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. A few minutes later the
girls came back into the room, and Steve told Mary that I had just gotten
"saved." Mary was unsure. She asked, "Did you?" And I
said, "Yes, I think so." I did not fully understand what all had
happened to me, and I didn't understand the terminology, "saved."
Then more salvation came. Later that night after getting home, I went to my
bedroom with the old unused family Bible. I began praying for God to show me
where my life-style had been wrong. I wanted God to show me from the Bible
whether homosexuality was right or wrong. I opened the Bible, came to
Leviticus chapter 18, and my eyes fell upon verse 22. It was a miracle from
God! "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female, it is an
abomination" Lev. 18:22 (Lev. 20:13). God had ministered the law to me
so I could see my need for Jesus Christ. (Gal 3:22-24, Rom. 7:7, Matt.
5:17-20). I really didn't know what abomination meant, but by looking at the
word I knew it had to mean something that God really hated. I then knelt down
beside my bed and cried out to God for forgiveness. I prayed, trusting Jesus
to totally change my life, and from that day I have been totally transformed.
I am not saying I didn't have to work through a lot because I did! Matter of
fact, for the next year I came under all kinds of various temptations and
trials. After my transformation, the next several days were filled with great
conviction and a lot of demonic attack. I confessed my sin to Steve and he
prayed with me again. (James 5:16). I then began searching for a church. The
Holy Spirit led me to a group of people who were loving God with all their
hearts. I found out later that, the believers at this fellowship had been
praying for me during a Bible study. Thank God for those who pray and believe
God for souls. If you are praying for someone, don't ever stop! Keep Praying!
It is so very important to find a group of people who you can fellowship with
and who can encourage you and hold you accountable. Pray and ask Jesus to
help you find the right place for you. He was faithful to me and He will be
faithful to you, for God is not a respecter of persons. (Acts |
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In
conclusion, deliverance from homosexuality comes only from Jesus Christ, it
does not come from great counsellors and ministries. God does use these people,
but the realization must be that it comes from Jesus Christ and Him ONLY.
Total deliverance from homosexuality comes only through a new life-style of
an absolute surrender and a complete dependence upon the Lord Jesus Christ.
We must believe IN JESUS THROUGH genuine repentance. We must believe His
promises and stand on the Word of God, and determine to obey Him. Ask Him to
help you. The axe must be laid to every root problem in our lives, in order
that we may walk fully with Jesus. Unforgiveness and bitterness are major
root problems. Homosexuals are usually very hurting bitter people. This is
partly because they had a very poor relationship with their father. And for
most, they have never experienced true masculine love and have not
experienced the Father heart of God. People in the homosexual life-style view
their relationship with God the Father as they view their relationship with
their earthly father. They reject God in anger and bitterness and seek for
the unfulfilled need of the father's love. We all need this love desperately,
especially those in a life-style of homosexuality. |
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We
should remember that salvation, or deliverance from sodomy, comes only
through faith in Jesus Christ. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by
the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17. Jesus is The Living Word. He is the
overcoming powerful grace we need to overcome sin. The grace of God in Christ
Jesus, our Lord, is sufficient for us in our weakness. His grace is the power
to overcome ALL sin. The humble receive grace. Therefore, we must humble
ourselves daily to receive His grace daily. (James 4:6). "God will not
be mocked, for whatsoever a man sows, this shall he also reap. For the one
who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one
who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life." Gal.
6:7. Nature itself proclaims God's invisible attributes, His eternal power
and divine nature. (Romans 1:20). God's way is for man to be with woman. This
is natural! (Gen. 1:26,27). God made no mistakes when He created us
anatomically. He has given each of us our correct natural body parts. Make no
mistake about it, God created the male and the female to live and work
together emotionally, spiritually and physically. "Blessed is a man who
perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the
crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Let no one
say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God,' for God cannot be
tempted by evil, He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted
when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has
conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings
forth death." James 1:12-15. We must cry out to God for deliverance! For
God, according to His Word, hears the prayers of the repentant and sees the
heart of the person who is truly being honest with Him. (Psalms 51:17). Do
not try to test God, but be totally honest with Him. Humble yourself before
God, confessing every sin and motive, and He will be gracious to you. His
grace will bring power to overcome any sin. Hope in God. Trust fully in Him,
committing all your ways to Him, and He will surely make your steps straight.
(Prov 3:6, Psa. 37:5). I praise God every day for delivering me from sodomy.
When the memories of the past come up now, I just turn them into altars of
praise to Him for His mighty deliverance. My goal is to continually worship
Him in EVERY trial and temptation. |
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We
must constantly thank God for everything He is doing in our lives. My
heavenly Father has given me a beautiful, merciful wife. We have been married
now since May 25, 1986, and we have three beautiful children. God's blessings
never cease when we are opened to Him in obedience. |
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Stephen
Black |
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The
above Scripture references accompanying this original testimony were written
by Stephen in 1991 as part of a Bible Study. These Bible verses should be
engrafted into our souls for our own deliverance. "Therefore putting
aside all filthiness and overflowing of evil, receive in meekness the
implanted Word, WHICH IS ABLE TO SAVE YOUR SOULS." James 1:21. |
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Stephen
Black is an ordained minister and has been ministering to people leaving the
homosexual life-style since 1984. He has been the Assistant Director of First
Stone Ministries since September of 1993, and can be reached at First Stone
Ministries for counseling and/or public speaking. First Stone Ministries,
1330 N. Classen Blvd., Suite G-80, Oklahoma City, OK 73106; 405-236-HOPE
(4673). |
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