After four
years in Satanism, I was miserable. I had seen everything that Satan had to offer,
and still I was miserable. I decided that the only thing left to do, as a
"respectable Satanist" was to kill myself. But before I even
checked into the motel, I knew that something or someone might cause me to
loose my nerve. For company and courage, I took along a bottle of whiskey and
a bag of marijuana. I put the rifle to my head but somehow I could not pull
the trigger. I knew that the rifle worked, but I just could not pull the
trigger. Disgusted with myself, I tried again the next night. On a September
night in 1981, I tried to hang myself. I put the rope over a rafter in the
garage, and kicked the chair out from under me. I landed on the floor with
the rope still tied to the rafter. "What a failure," I thought,
" I can’t even kill myself." |
The story
of my involvement in Satanism is so classic that it’s almost cliché. I was a
lonely young man from a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic.
Things at home got worse until finally, my parents divorced. I was looking
for a place to belong. I was looking for people who would pay attention to me
and give me acceptance. I was looking for love, but I was caught in the
middle of a violent house that left me feeling hopeless and frightened. In
response, I started looking to the supernatural for courage and for some
mystic power over my early existence. I was ripe for such an experience, and
for a long time I had been interested in magic and other aspects of the
paranormal. Even as a young boy, I knew that there was a spirit realm, and
that there had to be a way to tap into it. |
My first
contact with Satanism came when in 1978; a snowstorm took my hometown by
surprise. I was a 17 year old high school senior, and was working in a local
store during the storm. I was just beginning to wonder how I would get home
that night, when the store’s assistant manager, a young man of just 18,
invited me to stay at his apartment, just a short walk away. This young man
seemed to have everything that I had ever wanted. Prestige, power, he gave
every indication that he was in control of his life and much older that his
18 years. That night, he told me the source of his strength. I was
fascinated. He showed me the magic notions and occult objects, which he had
accumulated. I was convinced. Later that night, we performed a ceremony, and
I gave my life to Satan. |
After I
graduated from high school, my "teacher" and I moved away to attend
college. The two of us attempted to begin our own satanic coven. Our coven
was to consist of thirteen disciples but we were only able to recruit six,
all of them males. The six of us shared a house, where we conducted what I
call "free lance" satanic rituals, creating and improvising
ceremonies freely. Coven activities included casting spells and desecrating
Bibles and any other Christian articles that we could get our hands on.
During this time I was in contact with demons on a regular basis, though not
with Satan himself. Demons were powerful underlings, that were at my beckon
call…or so I thought. Eventually the frightening and distasteful parts of
Satanism overshadowed the thrilling parts. I began to worry about where the
coven might be headed. I knew that I could not participate in the next
step…Blood Sacrifice. I knew that there were lines that even I would not
cross. I wanted out. |
I thought,
at the time, that the only thing left to do was to kill myself. To my dismay,
I failed. Now I know that only Divine intervention could have save me from
both the gun and the noose. After returning home, I tried to drink myself
into oblivion, but found that the taste of beer turned my stomach. So
instead, I lit a cigarette to calm my nerves…but it burned my lips! So
finally, I, the Satanist priest in the making, went to my room, lay in my bed
and began to cry. I will never in my life forget what happened next. It was
late at night. The rest of the coven was out partying so the house was empty.
Out of the silence I heard a voice from beside my bed that said "Get
Out!" I stopped crying and looked around the room expecting the presence
of a demon. This was no demon. The voice moved to the foot of my bed and said
again. "Get Out!" I remember being so shaken at the command that I
immediately obeyed. I crawled out of the nearest window in my bedroom and
onto the driveway…and into the presence of God. My knees went weak and I fell
on my face, there was no mistaking who this was. Looking up at the sky I
pleaded, "Jesus, just make my life O.K." |
I have
come a long way from those days in the Satanism. I still believe in a spiritual
realm. I believe in both demons and angels, evil and good. I have simply
traded darkness for light. The Lord has helped me through complete recovery.
I have been married now for 15 years. My wife Liz and I live in |
|
Jeff
Harshbarger |
|
If you
would like to learn more, please feel free to contact me at: |
Jeff
Harshbarger REFUGE Ministries, |
|
E-mail: far468@netzero.net |