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I
was born and raised in |
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When
I was five years old my parents couldn't find a nanny to take care of me while
they were at work. My mother, who was an elementary school teacher, started
to take me to the school where she taught leaving me in one of the first
grade classes. After this my days were pretty routine.
I was in class during the day, and at home I played with my books. I didn't
know how to read yet, but I would look at the letters and make up stories
based on how they were shaped. One day when I was looking at my books, all of
a sudden the letters made words rather than pictures, the words made sentences,
and I no longer needed to make up stories - I could read them. My parents
rejoiced when they discovered that I learned to read "all by
myself". |
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Near
the end of the school year my mom's school was going through the yearly
teachers' evaluation. One day the principal of the school came to my class
with an Evaluator. I was the only one in the class who could answer their
questions. When my parents heard about this they were surprised and quite
pleased with me. So, along with everything else I learned in first grade, I
learned that the easiest way to earn my parents' "love" was to be
successful at school. |
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This
discovery changed my life dramatically. From that day I became very
competitive, doing better was my only desire - better than my classmates,
better than my siblings, and even better than myself. As a result, I became
one of the best students in my school. My dad loved science and planted that
love in me at a very early age. He seemed to accept me regardless of my
performance, but I felt like my mom's love was dependent on my achievements.
Thus, my father became a good friend but I isolated myself from my mother. |
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When
I was getting ready for the college entrance exams, my big dream was to get
into a biology department. I found I was fascinated with nature, and this,
together with the love of science that I had learned from my father, fueled
my desire to study biology. When the results of the exam were posted, I found
out that I was qualified to be in the Biology department, my third choice. Upon
my father's request my first two choices had been the top medical schools of |
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However
a big disappointment was in store for me. The idea of having a daughter in
medical school was so appealing to them that the news that I had
"only" qualified for biology was a letdown. Their disappointment
showed me that I had failed, first in my studies, and then in not being able
to earn their "love". I had worked so hard for such a bitter
ending. So when I started college my heart felt sour within me. |
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But
when I began college things within me started to change. I was spending the
majority of my time immersed in my biology books, and was awed by the
complexities and perfection of life on a biological scale. I realized that I
loved learning purely for learning's sake and not in order to gain my
parents' approval. I was growing up! So my bitter feelings shortly were
crowded out by overwhelming enthusiasm. |
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Another
change that started to occur in me was regarding religious belief. I had
grown up in a secular household. Although my family was not religious, we
observed all the usual traditions. However, we did not observe the prayer
rituals, nor did we fast. During summer vacations my friends went to the
mosque to learn Namaz, the Islamic prayer ritual, and to learn to recite the
Qur'an. But in our home, we didn't even mention these things. Growing up, I had
believed that the universe was formed as a result of the "Big-Bang"
and that life was formed through a series of random events. What I believed
about God was quite different from my friends' beliefs, too. For me God was
created by men. Evolutionary speaking, in all primate societies there had
been a need for a strong, unquestioned leader. However, as humans developed
the abilities to live outside social groupings, the need for an unquestioned
leader disappeared. Because the instinct to believe and obey something
unquestionable is still strong, man created God. I was very content with this
belief. In truth, I was even proud of my unusual beliefs. |
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However,
my first year in college, I felt that everything I believed was
disintegrating in my hands. When I started to take classes like Zoology,
Botany, Molecular Biology, Chemistry, and Cytology, I started to realize that
life was too perfect to be the product of random events. One day I remember
looking through a microscope and watching this little cell with awe, thinking
there must be a God, the Creator of this life! |
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I
became very confused. I didn't know what to do. One day - a little
embarrassed - I went to talk to my father and told him what I thought. He
listened to me carefully, without interrupting, as was his habit, and then
answered me with a smile; "I don't want you to be ashamed of your
thoughts. If you believe there is a God, go search, and you shall find".
Two years of studying and practicing Islam started at this time period. |
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My
interest in Islam pleased my mother's mother the most. She immediately got a
Qur'an and books on Islam for me. She brought some Zamzam water, had me drink
it, repent of my sins, make a promise to stay away from sin, and recite the
Shahada. |
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Initially,
I didn't care much about what Islam and Qur'an was all about. All I wanted to
know was God. I learned the basics: memorized suras, learned wudu and prayer,
read the Qur'an every Thursday night, fasted during Ramadan. |
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I
studied hard, practiced hard, but only thing that happened in my life was
following a different set of rules now. I did not know God anymore than I did
the day I told my dad I thought there was a God. I might have become a nicer
person at the time, but it was all in my power and initiative. Deep inside me
I knew I was no different. On the top of these what
I learned from my Islamic books and mentors did not help either. At the end
of two years I was quite disappointed - even hurt - by my findings and
experiences. After days and nights of struggling with myself, and feeling
ashamed that I was wrong, I went to my father and told him that I was not
able to find my God. I was heart broken. |
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The
summer of that year, I started to work as a reader at the School for the Blind.
There, I met with a lady who was associated with a Hindu group. I was quite
excited to hear about this group, and I started to go to their meetings with
her. All summer long, I studied with them the essentials of Hinduism - as
well as of Buddhism. Because Islam had failed me, I was a lot more reserved
about taking a step of faith in either of these. One of the members of this
group was also interested in the old Turkic religions, and he helped me to
understand the basics of those religions. At the end of the summer, the
conclusion of my search was quite clear. All these religions were created by
men to bring regulation to society. There was no God. I was stuck with
Atheism. |
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Then
followed a time of confusion and bewilderment. All joy and peace left my
heart. I had lost hope - hope for the future, hope for finding God, or that there was anything greater than human
existence. So, I went back to doing what I knew best, being an excellent
student. I thought that I could find satisfaction in myself. |
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But
it didn't work. The inner restlessness that I had grew stronger every day,
and I couldn't live with myself anymore. So, I tried other things. You know
what a party animal is, right? Well, that was me. Drinking, smoking,
rebelling - everything you can imagine! Yet, these things didn't satisfy me.
More and more, I knew that I had no peace in my heart. I longed to
change--but I didn't know how. |
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In
this sorry state, I finished university. On graduation day, as I was walking
downtown, I started to think about my future. I knew that I had a long life
ahead of me, but I didn't know what I would do with it. Frustrated, I walked
into a store and stood in front of a mirror. As I looked at myself, I
realized that I didn't like what I saw. Tears welled up as I considered who I
was. This was a turning point for me. I decided that I was going to change my
life and be a different person - have a good job, a good career, a good
family, and a good income. I looked around at all the ordinary people in the
world, reflecting that their lives were no different than mine but that they
seemed happy. I decided to try being an ordinary person. So, I quit smoking,
drinking, and hanging around those of my "friends" who had that
kind of lifestyle. I got my first job, a very good-paying job, in fact. At
the same time, I went back to school and earned my Master's degree, and then
started to work on my Ph.D. But even all these things didn't satisfy me. In
my heart, I fought with myself day and night. In Jeremiah 2:13, God says,
"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of
living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot
hold water". My heart was a broken cistern, and I tried to fill it
myself. As Islam had failed me, I was failing myself. |
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In
September 1992, I was nearing the end of my Ph.D. program when one of my
professors in the department told me about a scholarship to go overseas to
study for a different Ph.D. First, I thought, "No, I'm about to finish
one; why bother starting all over again?" But it took me only half an
hour to decide, "Yes, I would like to try". I got the scholarship
and quit my Ph.D. program. Leaving everything behind, I packed my whole life
into two suitcases and came to the |
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It
was different in the |
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If
you are going to fight against something, you need to know it well, so I
asked them to give me a Bible. Knowing that I would find contradictions and
inconsistencies, I started to read it. However - and there's really no other
way to describe it - a miracle happened! Each day, the words brought more and
more peace to my heart and hope for my life. Also, Christianity deeply
impressed me because of its differences from the other religions that I had
studied. It was unique in a lot of ways, but four of them were particularly
important to me. |
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First,
Jesus was the only one who claimed to be the only way to God. What
confidence that gave me! This was no vague instruction on how to reach God.
This was a certain path. Jesus says, "No one comes to the Father except
through me". |
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Second,
people's sins could be forgiven without the need for good deeds to cancel
them out. In every other religion, one has to be punished for the sins one
has committed, but in Christianity one's sins can be forgiven. Having lived
in sin as long as I had, I knew that I could never finish paying the penalty
for them. I needed forgiveness. Human beings, in their weakness, don't know
the real meaning of forgiveness, I think. This generous forgiveness can only
come from God. |
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Third,
one doesn't have to work for one's salvation. Salvation is by the grace of
God. My whole life, I had tried to earn the peace and hope that I longed for
but saw that I didn't have. Therefore, it was very meaningful to see that God
was reaching out to me instead of my trying to reach Him. |
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Fourth
and last, God loved me as I was. I didn't have to do anything to earn
His love. This was quite new to me. I discovered that I was important to God just
because I existed. It seemed to me that this truth was different from other
religions. |
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I
became convinced that Christianity was not a man-made religion. So, I
continued to study the Bible, more and more enthusiastically. On |
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That
night, as I prayed and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I was very
restless. I tried to sleep, but questions kept bothering me all night long.
"Was I being culturally assimilated?" "Was my conversion a
result of cultural shock?" I got up in the morning and decided that I might
be going crazy, but I couldn't do anything about it other than wait and see.
A few months later, God answered my questions again. He showed me that even
as long ago as when I was 12, He had chosen me and had been preparing me for
His kingdom. At that time, I had a dream in which I was swimming. It was very
dark, without any stars in the sky. After swimming for a while, I stopped and
looked up at the sky. Suddenly, I saw a star shining. I closed my eyes and
made a wish. I said, "Morning Star, teach me the secret of life".
When I woke up, I was deeply affected by my dream. I told my family and my
friends about it, but nobody seemed to care. Because I took the dream so
seriously, I was even mocked about it. A few days later, however, I forgot
about the dream. |
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But
the dream did not forget me. About a month later, I had it again. Although I
thought it was strange, I didn't really think about it much. But then, a few
months later, the same dream came again. I kept having this dream for years
almost every other month and this pattern continued until a few months after
my conversion, when I read Rev. 22:16, which says, "I, Jesus, have sent
my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the
offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star". After reading this
verse, I realized that God had been working in my heart for years and that He
is a living God. He had brought me to this point to teach me the
secret of life - eternal life. That very day, I decided that I would dedicate
my whole life to God and follow Him wherever He might lead me. Now, my
deepest desire is to follow my Lord as long as I live. In case you're
wondering. I've never had the dream again - when the sun rises, one blows the
candle out. |
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After
I became a believer in Jesus, my life changed significantly. In the
beginning, my family rejected me, but over the years, they observed the
positive changes that happened in my life. A couple of years after my
conversion, my mother told me that when I first told her that I had decided
to follow Jesus, she thought that she had lost her daughter, but now, she
knows that she has received back a better one. She tells me now that she
believes this has been the best thing that ever happened to me. For years, I
didn't believe that my mother loved me, and I hadn't forgiven her for that.
But with God, all things are possible. Now, my mom and I are best friends,
and she has a desire to know more about God and Christianity. |
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And
that wasn't all. |
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After
my conversion, my family was greatly distressed. They thought that I had
brought shame on our family. They thought that we were born as Muslims and
destined to die as Muslims. Not only my family, but also many of my friends
rejected me. Sometimes, the things I went through lay so heavily on me that
many times a day when I thought about my situation, I felt weak and helpless,
but I also felt that God was in control. Since the day of my conversion, I
have learned what it means to trust God with my life. This takes a lot of
faith, but I have learned to live on God's provision "day by day".
Exodus 16 talks about how God provided for the Israelites day by day when
they were in the desert. In the past, I used to think that the Israelites
were being ungrateful for God's provision, but as I learned to live on God's
provision day-by-day, I understood that, physically and emotionally, this is
a difficult place to be. Yet, through it all, I have been thoroughly blessed
spiritually. |
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A
lot of people ask me if becoming a Christian has been worth it. I have asked
myself the very same question many times. I love traveling, and I travel a
lot. One day while driving alone to give an academic presentation at a
national conference, I was trying to practice my talk. But my mind was
focused on problems I was facing as a result of my conversion. Suddenly, my
disappointments and my fatigue overwhelmed me. Then, I remembered a game
(that helped me cope with difficulties) that I used to play a long time ago,
a game based on 'dreaming'. When I was five, I was in my grandma's home for
summer vacation. One morning, I woke up and found bubble gum all over my bed
and on my face. I was pretty sure that my sister had done it. As a little
girl, I used to think that my sister was responsible for all of the bad
things in the entire universe. I called my aunt and started to complain about
my sister. But she didn't listen to me. I think that she knew that my sister
was not responsible for all of the bad things that happened in this universe,
especially the ones related to me. She took me to the sink and started to
clean me up. Angry with me, she spanked me a few times, saying that I wasn't
supposed to go to bed with bubble gum. I kept telling her that I didn't chew
gum, which was true. But she wasn't listening. It was obvious that we had a
communication problem. Then, I stopped listening to her and started to try to
make myself believe this was not real, that I was only dreaming. I wanted to
wake up and find everything fine. But I didn't wake up. Years later, when my
father died, I thought of this incident. As before, I tried to make myself
believe that this was not real. In the morning, I was going to wake up, and
Dad was going to be with us, and everything was going to be fine. But once
again, I didn't wake up. So, that day when I was traveling to the academic
conference, I thought, "Yep, this is a dream. I will wake up, the
problems will be gone, and everything will be fine". Then, immediately,
I realized that if I woke up, my faith would be gone too. I would lose my
relationship with God. Suddenly I knew that it was worth going through
all the problems I have. I would even be willing to endure a lot more in
order to have my relationship with God through Christ. |
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My
prayer for you is that you can experience the fullness of eternal life in
Christ Jesus in your personal life. |
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Hatice
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